Tomorrow is my birthday.
That simple line feels lighter this year. Last year’s 40th turned into a small tragic circus starring my ex and a cast of awkward moments. It left a bruise on the memory. This year feels different. Kinder. Quieter. Better. I get to mark the day with my radio friends, the people who see me as I am, not as a problem to fix or a trophy to drop. That helps.
The odd thing is I should feel upbeat, yet a low fog has hung around me for weeks. Not a crisis. Not a collapse. Just that drifting sense of being a bit lost. I’ve been working hard on events for the station. I hosted the village Christmas markets in Overton last week, and a Christmas fayre in Basingstoke. People came up to me with warm words about how much work I put in. They said the events felt lively and welcoming. I stood there with a hot drink in my hand, smiling, and part of me wondered why I felt so unsure of my own worth when others seemed to see it so clearly.
The brain loves a trick. Mine whispers that people are ignoring me, or that I’m not someone worth spending time with. Then I check the facts. I look at the friends who message, the colleagues who show up, the listeners who say the shows matter to them. The truth is my mental health is steady. It wobbles now and then, like any machine that’s been through a few storms, but it still runs. I still run. Sometimes I need to remind myself of that.
Today gives me a marker in the timeline. A chance to say the past year did not sink me. A chance to say I am here, older, a touch frayed, but still able to laugh, still able to work, still able to care. I get to choose the shape of this birthday, and I choose a warm pub, easy talk, and friends who like radio far too much. That sounds like a better celebration than anything last year threw at me.
If my mind goes wandering again, I’ll let it wander. It always comes back.
Here’s to another lap around the sun, with fewer clowns and more company. The year ahead can begin with a small smile and a pint. That will do for now, and it’s enough to keep going.